Mindy, Let's Be Friends

The ever-fabulous Mindy Kaling inspires this post because she’s absolutely splendid.

To start, I love Mindy and in another life, I’d like to be best friends with her. Well, definitely this life too, but I just don’t see that happening.

She’s way too cool/funny/famous/trendy/put together to be friends with me.

She is self-depreciating, which automatically makes someone hilarious. She’s a fabulous writer, which makes a person worth knowing in my mind. She willingly writes great jokes about her curvaceous body and Indian heritage — an unfair combo that leads to sitcoms titled after your moniker.

She’s perfect.

When I think about it, what would we have in common, really? Our foundations are just too different from one another to build a sturdy friendship upon. She’d probably talk to her other cultured friends about how basic I am. I’d talk to my sisters about how jealous I am.

If we’re being honest, which is important so you don’t have people saying hateful things about you, this blog post is about how gypped I feel in life and why I could never have a show titled, “The Amy Project.”

To start I am a middle class, white, 23-year-old woman in the smack dab center of the country working 40 hours a week, living with my parents who I shamelessly refer to as my roomies.  

It actually doesn’t get more stereotypical for a millennial. I bet 25 million people in America are in the exact same boat as I am. Let’s be friends. Not all of you. But I could use 100,000 more people in my corner.

We’ll talk. 

To make matters even worse, I’m also one of those people that runs for fun. (Actually in recent years I do this just sometimes, mostly if the hawt buff guys are up in the gym working on their fitness, ya know?)

Regardless, it’s in writing, which makes it true. I run for fun. I RUN FOR FUN. You can’t make me take it back. (If you’d like to end our friendship right now based on that statement alone, I understand. I predict my new friend pool just dropped by approximately 72,000.)

Something that might make Mindy consider my friendship: I started my workday by listening to Anaconda by Nicki Minaj, and it wasn’t on the way to work but rather at work. Take that, corporate world. Take that.

So overall, I have one thing to contribute to this fictional friendship — terrible taste in music.

I have a weird inkling she just might like that quality.

*Ordering best friend necklaces now*

A Royal Thank You

“Is this real life?”

I couldn't tell you how many times I heard that this postseason.

It was real life, and it was worth the 29 years. Ask anyone.

The question was asked continuously, and I think we all understand the reason.

The 2014 Royals baseball team seemed to be something that’s made up for an underdog movie, played on the big screen and acclaimed at the Academy Awards.

It was something so wonderful it could only have happened in Hollywood, right?

Wrong. It happened in the middle of the country in a place called Kansas City, Missouri.

It was real.

I want to thank the KC Royals for showing me what a real underdog drive looks like.

I’m used to rooting for the unfavored team, but I’m not used to getting an extra 15 games in the postseason.

For that, I thank you, Royals.

Thank you for giving Kansas City something to believe in.

Thank you for bringing baseball back to a city that needed it.

Thank you for showing us what speed do.  

Mostly though, thank you for showing so many of us our first postseason. 

To kids, you’re an inspiration. To baseball, you’re a story to be told. To the fans, a forever memory.

So for those of you asking if this is real life. The answer is yes.

Is it 1985?

No, it’s 2014 and this city is damn proud. 

You Are Bad at Grammar, Yes You

Guys, I have some theories that I must share with you. They’re important, so I appreciate you tuning in.

As some know, as others will soon find out: I am a proud grammar nerd. (I use the word “nerd” as not to sound pretentious. Is it working?)

I have a magazine editing degree from the No. 1 journalism school in the country. (That sounded pretentious, didn’t it? Crap.)

I have great attention to detail. I love letters (not love letters, just the singular characters that make up words). I am obsessed with the correct punctuation, which I must share usually excludes the exclamation mark as an option.

So these theories coincide with my one true love.

They are ideas as to why people today just can’t seem to grasp grammar.

Feel free to use this as a guide as to what you should be doing in the future.

So you see, this blog post benefits both writer and reader; you can learn and I can get some things off my chest. It’s what some people call a win-win.

1..    Adding unnecessary Y’s to words.

Theory: This is an attempt to write cutely and also a form of laziness.

Rule: There’s no reason that “Halloween” needs to become “Halloween-y.” Write around it to avoid sounding like a drunk sorority girl. If it’s not in the dictionary, just don’t.

2.    Using single quotations.

              Theory: This is a form of laziness. I promise you it's not that hard to push the shift key.

Rule: The only time you use one quotation mark is when you’re quoting something that’s already in quotes. I read a lot and rarely (read: never) do I see a single quotation mark. I don’t know where these crazy kids are picking this up. I just don’t. 

3.     Using “I” at the wrong times.

Theory: This is you trying really hard to be good at grammar by using “I” because you think it makes you sound more intelligent.

Rule: Use “I” if you can lose the other subject and the sentence still makes sense. For example: “Mike and I went shopping.” Remove Mike and it still makes sense to say, “I went shopping.”

Bonus info: “She is taller than me” is wrong. It is, “She is taller than I am.” Therefore, “She is taller than I.”

Mind blown?

4.     Good versus well.

Theory: You think well makes you sounds more educated. We get it, you spent $80,000 on your education, but you still don’t know what you’re talking about.

Rule: Here are the facts behind it. People will try to tell you that “well” is an adverb and therefore modifies verbs while “good” is an adjective and therefore modifies nouns and can’t be used to describe how you are doing. It’s not that simple.

It’s okay to say, “I am good” because “am” is a linking verb and it’s appropriate to use adjectives after linking verbs.

This also works: The next time someone gives you a hard time about saying you are good tell them that the answer “I am well” is only the right answer if you are recovering from a long illness and that person is inquiring about your health, If you’re describing yourself on a good day and no one is asking about your well-being, a more appropriate response is, “I am good.” 

5.     Your last name being possessive instead of plural.

Theory: Your Word document underlined it and you automatically thought Word was correct and right-clicked to make the hideous red squiggly line disappear.

Rule: Your name is not possessive when you sign a Christmas card. “Love the Willsey’s” is wrong. Plural, people, plural. If you have multiple persons in your family and you’re signing a card to be inclusive all members, it’s “Willseys.” Remember this for your holiday cards this year, please.

6.     Unnecessary quotation marks.

Theory: You think they are necessary because you’re trying to relay some secret, funny or completely accurate information and you don’t know what you’re doing.

Rule: Less is more. When you use quotes around unnecessary words, it comes across that you allegedly did that or meant this. Only use quotation marks when you’re quoting something or someone. 

Here’s a blog that will scare you straight. Don’t be one of these people.

I hope that was informative. Actually, no, I am almost 100 percent sure that was informative because you all do these things wrong. ALL OF YOU! 

Knock on Wood

I’ve always loved baseball, but nothing compares to my recent obsession with the postseason KC Royals.

It's an obsession many of us understand. It's an obsession that doesn’t stop at the city limits — it spreads nationwide.

I have baseball fever, as I’m sure many of you do too. The rainout two nights ago was agony. The travel days are torture.

As is true with anything, with every great love comes great pain. Mine's a pain not everyone experiences.

I carry a huge burden when it comes to watching sports. It has been acquired and finessed over many years. It regularly interrupts my daily life.

I’m incredibly superstitious.

It was passed down from my loving father. Let’s just say this gene wasn’t recessive and he gets full blame.

I don’t go 20 minutes without knocking on wood during a sporting event. I don’t go 5 minutes without knocking on wood during Royals postseason.

You might be thinking to yourself,  just stop saying jinxing things and solve your own problem. You see, I’m not the issue.

I have this superstitious gene ingrained so deeply that I actually knock on wood for the things I accidently think in my own head and for the jinxing things other people say.

It’s gotten so bad during this playoffs run that my dad, sisters and I are sending my mom upstairs during the ninth inning. 

Hear me out. During the wildcard game, which went extra innings, my mom left the basement before the game was over. As we all know, the Royals won.

From that game on, we ask my mom to go upstairs. I really wish I was joking.

As you can see, this has taken over my life and the lives of innocent bystanders around me.

If anyone knows of a support group, I'll willingly go. 

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Other everyday concerns of a superstitious 23-year-old:

1.     Getting a new car that has no wood anywhere in it. Thank goodness for dads who cut pieces of 2x4 to place in my car to keep me safe. 

2.     Having a boyfriend who is a sports fanatic and super confident in all his teams that he doesn’t believe in jinxing. Seriously, Gregory, you can’t say things like, “An I-70 series is going to be awesome.” YOU CANNOT!

3.     Having to wear the same shirt for every single game.

4.     Leaving work 2 hours early to watch the first pitch of an afternoon game only to have to make up those 2 hours later in the week.

5.     Embarrassingly knocking on wood in public places due to others acting irresponsibly. 

Working for the Weekend

I’m new to the workforce. I graduated in May and what was a summer internship has since been extended. I work full-time, 40 hours per week. I have coworkers, a desk, a computer, you know, the whole shebang.

I’ve been here about four months now. I think it’s time to bestow what I’ve learned upon all my readers (hi, mom!).

1. If you think you have baby fever, you indeed need to check yourself. Listen to your coworkers’ “cute stories” about their children. Then proceed to become celibate. This isn’t an exaggeration. Oh, so you’re taking a vacation to Florida? Oh, you had to buy a minivan so your three children wouldn’t murder each other on the drive? Seems expensive yet completely necessary.
    
2. There is nothing better than free lunch. And the real world does free lunch like nobody’s business. We have graduated from pizza and moved onto pasta bars and Mexican and sometimes pizza … very fancy pizza. Also, note that whoever said college caused weight gain never worked for VML. In 16 weeks I’ve experienced free doughnuts 8 times. The key is to ration out your doughnut eating abilities. You don’t want to scare your coworkers into thinking you’re malnourished.
    
3. Don’t underestimate the power of TV watching. Nothing unites coworkers like the common ground of loving Phil Dunphy or wishing to be a gladiator on Scandal. If you don’t have the free time to pick up any new weekly episodes, fake it till you make it. Did I watch a single episode of The Bachelorette? No. Do I know that Andi chose Josh after sleeping with Nick? Yes, yes I do.
    
4. Do the unexpected. Like not ending a list at three. Also, as to not go to five and do something expected, I offer you a bonus. A 4b if you will – your computer battery life will go to shit. Fast. It’s just a perk of keeping it plugged in all day so it’ll be charged fully for the moment you have to take it to a meeting. Then it dies in said meeting because your battery has suffered the consequence of always being fully charged.

I hope you’ve learned a thing or two or four.

Definitely four – I’d like to think you learned four things. Yeah, that sounds like a good helpful number.