My Husband Spent a Weekend with a Murderer

August 2, 2023

A few years ago, my sweet, innocent, non-true-crime-listening husband pulled out his phone and casually said, “A guy I’m friends with on Facebook just posted that his wife is missing.”

Yeah. Sure. OK.

I immediately responded, not knowing who he was talking about, and said, “She’s not missing. He probably killed her.”

Then I moved quicker than I have since high school track to grab his phone and get all the details. First off, it was a homemade MISSING poster. Sketch. Second, the guy had mega creep vibes. I HAD to know why/how/when my husband became friends (albeit FB friends) with such a man.

Back in college, about 10 years ago now, my husband, the guy and his then girlfriend (now wife who is “missing”), all traveled together to the epitome of nerdiness: the chemical engineering hydrogen car championships.

Just the three of them. In a van. For 9 hours straight.

Were they friends? Not exactly. But budgets were tight at our SEC university. One van would do.

My husband gave them free rein of the backseat in exchange for radio control. He didn’t interact with them much but made sure to mention “they fogged up the back windows making out. I listened to hockey on full blast.”

Fast forward to 2019. I hate to say it, but I was right.

A week after the guy posted that his wife was missing, police found blood in their home. They found tapes of him buying cleaning supplies. He confessed.

She was 6 weeks pregnant. He was cheating. They fought. He killed her.

Then dumped her alongside the highway about 45 minutes away. It’s all incredibly predictable. And so incredibly sad.

A jury just found him guilty of first-degree murder in May 2022.

Here’s the best (worst?) part. If you happen to Google the victim’s first name + her maiden name, the image that pops up is from that hydrogen car tournament.

There, you’ll see my husband standing right alongside a murderer and his victim with a “I hate it here” look on his face.

Maybe he knew all along. Maybe he just hated engineering. You know what? Probably both.

When You Exceed America's Unwritten 2-Kid Rule

July 6, 2023

The world is set up for four-person families.

Two parents. Two kids.

Look around. If you're at work, the majority of your coworkers stopped after two. If you're at home, the neighbors also said "we good" after the second kid.

And I get it.

Tables in restaurants are often set for four. SUVs, the most popular vehicle type in the U.S., seat four comfortably. Four bedroom houses make it so each kid gets their own room with one primary and an office. Perfect.

Now imagine having three kids. Booth, please. Trading in the Jeep for a mini van. Someday a new house — if you can afford one after sending three through the daycare system at $14,000 per year.

Which is why making the decision to go from two to three wasn't one we took lightly. My husband and I talked about what it meant. And we decided to expand our family all the same. Happily. Joyfully.

And yet, our very personal decision is being questioned by nearly everyone we tell. We are made to feel crazy by outsiders who have absolutely zero stake in our family.

When I told my coworkers, I got: "Oh my god. Another one?" and my VP just used his hand to tick off three — implying my kids have multiplied too quickly under his leadership. I figured that response had more to do with what my pregnancy meant for them — my being gone for 12 weeks on FMLA.

But that wasn't the case. Because my husband who gets just 2 weeks off received similar sentiment. Sure, there were a few congrats, but the comment that stuck out most was, "you know how babies are made, right?"

Like we're idiots.

It shockingly doesn't stop there. My personal favorite was from a neighbor: "Oh, was this an accident?"

It wasn't. But I guess if you ever have three, we'll know yours was.

People love to project their own beliefs onto others. But even more than that, we're all products of this society. A society that likes things a very specific way:

Man. Woman. Married. Two kids — ideally a boy and a girl. Dog. White picket fence.

When you challenge that, you get challenged.

I thought disrupting the status quo would be exciting and unexpected.

For us, it is.

For others, it remains clear that it's much easier to remain comfortable. Be predictable. Stay within the very clear lines of what's acceptable.

So while their judgment is not welcomed, I know it’s just noise from an outdated, passed-down standard of living.

So instead I'll focus on the people who didn't make my news about themselves. My boss was lovely and didn't mention once how having a baby will impact his work load. Just said, "This is what life's all about!"

I got a celebratory hug from one coworker and a "Congrats! Three is the perfect number!" from another.

So if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of news that doesn't directly affect you, but you don't completely understand, that's OK. Just smile and move on knowing you've got more money in your pocket for having stopped at America’s two-kid standard.

Pay Me

February 17, 2022

It’s my first day back to work after 12 weeks off with my newborn.

It's incredibly bittersweet. As a working mom, I know that those three months are the longest uninterrupted time I'll have with my baby… who will grow into a toddler in the care of others 40 hours per week; only to then turn into a kid followed by a teenager who can't wait to be an adult.

It goes fast.

This is my second child, and just like with my first, these past several weeks were harder than any job I've ever had. More demanding, more time consuming, more exhausting.

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm grateful for those who took on longer hours in my absence, shifted projects and told the higher ups, "that can wait."

I'm grateful to work for a boss who values family.

I'm grateful to have a job I like. One that's easy to go back to.

I'm grateful my husband didn't think twice about losing 1/8 of our income for me to take this time off.

You see, paid parental leave is still the exception in the United States.

It shouldn't be.

I have two daughters now. This will change before they decide to have kids (if they decide). I'll do what I can to make sure it does.

And when I'm not going to HR to offer a perspective they've clearly not heard enough — I'll be writing ads.

Working moms really can do it all.

The One Where She Turns One

March 13, 2021

The blink of an eye. Everyone says it, but it’s true.

If you think time is slugging by — have a baby. It’s unfair but probably by design. If we remembered every single second of the sleep-deprived early days, there’d be lots of only children. So instead, it’s like life handed your baby to Usain Bolt.

If I had one wish, it’d be to turn seconds into minutes and days into weeks.

Much of parenthood feels like you’ve been thrown into NASA space camp; there are some incredibly humbling moments and a lot of fake-it-till-you-make-its. Here are a few ramblings formatted as tips moonlighting as helpful:

1. Even when your husband takes that last minute work trip you told him to cancel and you go into labor and have to have your mom drive you to the hospital, it’s best to forgive him. That way when he snores in the hospital and doesn’t wake up to your hours-old crying baby, you’re not already in a deficit.

2. If your infant decides to show up 2 weeks early on a Friday the 13th, but also happens to beat the shut-down of the global pandemic by mere hours, maybe just assume that’s a precursor to who she is. Halle is witchy magic with next-level consideration.

3. The fact that you’re expected to live with someone you just met is shocking. And anyone who doesn’t admit that is lying. I didn’t speak Halle and Halle didn’t speak English. Somehow, we made it work.

4. When your newborn won’t sleep and you’re deliriously tired, it’s probably best not to vent to the woman who raised three crying babies AT THE SAME TIME. Luckily, due to survival mode (and maybe heavy drugs — who would blame her?), my mom has no recollection of that time. So she just smiled and said, “Go upstairs and nap, I’ll rock the baby.”

5. You think the whole “you’re biologically made to be obsessed with your baby” bullshit is just that, bullshit? Same, girl. But it’s true. I’m biased. She’s literally perfect. The key is being self-aware enough to know this. It’s not that others have bad taste, it’s that they didn’t make her.

6. An easy labor leads to a wild child. My gawd. Hal is sassy, dramatic and strong-willed. I can’t wait to see the views from her corner office someday.

7. For some completely asinine reason, your husband will think he’s worthy of your baby saying “dada” before “mama.” And the thrill when she picks you first is validating and exactly the bragging rights a mother deserves after carrying, birthing and feeding her baby and then living the rest of life with her heart outside her body. Yeah, she said “mama” first, thankyouverymuch.

8. There’s nothing personal about the time (or five) where you pick up your baby from daycare and she cries when the teacher hands her off to you. And hopefully that’s exactly what your therapist says when you inevitably bring it up.

9. Throwing a pacifier at/to your child who is proudly, and loudly, grinding her new teeth together isn’t an overreaction. It’s the exact right amount of reaction to the worst noise you’ve ever heard.

10. Don’t let the iPhone hold you back. Treat that pocket mirror like your parents did their 35-pound shoulder-mount camcorder. Make an event of it. Video the whole room, get every person, even the convos being had in the background. Your baby will want to look back on the hideous, out-of-date wall colors of the home she grew up in and see grandpa in his same “retired uniform” in every video. As for you? You’ll want to relive it all. Did I mention it goes fast?