The blink of an eye. Everyone says it, but it’s true.
If you think time is slugging by — have a baby. It’s unfair but probably by design. If we remembered every single second of the sleep-deprived early days, there’d be lots of only children. So instead, it’s like life handed your baby to Usain Bolt.
If I had one wish, it’d be to turn seconds into minutes and days into weeks.
Much of parenthood feels like you’ve been thrown into NASA space camp; there are some incredibly humbling moments and a lot of fake-it-till-you-make-its. Here are a few ramblings formatted as tips moonlighting as helpful:
1. Even when your husband takes that last minute work trip you told him to cancel and you go into labor and have to have your mom drive you to the hospital, it’s best to forgive him. That way when he snores in the hospital and doesn’t wake up to your hours-old crying baby, you’re not already in a deficit.
2. If your infant decides to show up 2 weeks early on a Friday the 13th, but also happens to beat the shut-down of the global pandemic by mere hours, maybe just assume that’s a precursor to who she is. Halle is witchy magic with next-level consideration.
3. The fact that you’re expected to live with someone you just met is shocking. And anyone who doesn’t admit that is lying. I didn’t speak Halle and Halle didn’t speak English. Somehow, we made it work.
4. When your newborn won’t sleep and you’re deliriously tired, it’s probably best not to vent to the woman who raised three crying babies AT THE SAME TIME. Luckily, due to survival mode (and maybe heavy drugs — who would blame her?), my mom has no recollection of that time. So she just smiled and said, “Go upstairs and nap, I’ll rock the baby.”
5. You think the whole “you’re biologically made to be obsessed with your baby” bullshit is just that, bullshit? Same, girl. But it’s true. I’m biased. She’s literally perfect. The key is being self-aware enough to know this. It’s not that others have bad taste, it’s that they didn’t make her.
6. An easy labor leads to a wild child. My gawd. Hal is sassy, dramatic and strong-willed. I can’t wait to see the views from her corner office someday.
7. For some completely asinine reason, your husband will think he’s worthy of your baby saying “dada” before “mama.” And the thrill when she picks you first is validating and exactly the bragging rights a mother deserves after carrying, birthing and feeding her baby and then living the rest of life with her heart outside her body. Yeah, she said “mama” first, thankyouverymuch.
8. There’s nothing personal about the time (or five) where you pick up your baby from daycare and she cries when the teacher hands her off to you. And hopefully that’s exactly what your therapist says when you inevitably bring it up.
9. Throwing a pacifier at/to your child who is proudly, and loudly, grinding her new teeth together isn’t an overreaction. It’s the exact right amount of reaction to the worst noise you’ve ever heard.
10. Don’t let the iPhone hold you back. Treat that pocket mirror like your parents did their 35-pound shoulder-mount camcorder. Make an event of it. Video the whole room, get every person, even the convos being had in the background. Your baby will want to look back on the hideous, out-of-date wall colors of the home she grew up in and see grandpa in his same “retired uniform” in every video. As for you? You’ll want to relive it all. Did I mention it goes fast?