I’m new to the workforce. I graduated in May and what was a summer internship has since been extended. I work full-time, 40 hours per week. I have coworkers, a desk, a computer, you know, the whole shebang.

I’ve been here about four months now. I think it’s time to bestow what I’ve learned upon all my readers (hi, mom!).

If you think you have baby fever, you indeed need to check yourself. Listen to your coworkers’ “cute stories” about their children. Then proceed to become celibate. This isn’t an exaggeration. Oh, so you’re taking a vacation to Florida? Oh, you had to buy a minivan so your three children wouldn’t murder each other on the drive? Seems expensive yet completely necessary.
There is nothing better than free lunch. And the real world does free lunch like nobody’s business. We have graduated from pizza and moved onto pasta bars and Mexican and sometimes pizza … very fancy pizza. Also, note that whoever said college caused weight gain never worked for VML. In 16 weeks I’ve experienced free doughnuts 8 times. The key is to ration out your doughnut eating abilities. You don’t want to scare your coworkers into thinking you’re malnourished.
Don’t underestimate the power of TV watching. Nothing unites coworkers like the common ground of loving Phil Dunphy or wishing to be a gladiator on Scandal. If you don’t have the free time to pick up any new weekly episodes, fake it till you make it. Did I watch a single episode of The Bachelorette? No. Do I know that Andi chose Josh after sleeping with Nick? Yes, yes I do.
Do the unexpected. Like not ending a list at three. Also, as to not go to five and do something expected, I offer you a bonus. A 4b if you will – your computer battery life will go to shit. Fast. It’s just a perk of keeping it plugged in all day so it’ll be charged fully for the moment you have to take it to a meeting. Then it dies in said meeting because your battery has suffered the consequence of always being fully charged.

I hope you’ve learned a thing or two or four.

Definitely four – I’d like to think you learned four things. Yeah, that sounds like a good helpful number.